Friend Love, Romantic Love

I’ve been thinking lately about the difference between romantic love and friend love. Both are wonderful, and although they are both forms of love, they have quite different feelings.

In romantic love, we feel more excited, thrilled and “on a high.” But romantic love is also prone to some pretty ugly feelings, like jealousy, feelings of owning the other person (or being owned), being judgmental, worry, and insecurity.

Friend love doesn’t usually have those ugly sides, and I am wondering why. We are much more likely to accept our friends fully, to embrace their differences or quirks, to look forward to time together with a calmer, less-emotionally-fragile vibe.

When you love your friends deeply, it is a beautiful, wonderful thing! The same is true for romantic love, but only if you can keep ownership and jealousy out of the way. I think that’s why friend love is so powerful — we have no illusions that we “own” the other person or that he or she should give something exclusively to us and no one else. Because we accept them fully and they us, we feel more comfortable and free to be ourselves. In the early stages of romantic love, we feel so much pressure to impress and perform, but if we instead focused on openly accepting the other person, the relationship would evolve into an amazing-friend level of love. However, in order to accept another, we need to first focus on being our true selves and accepting ourselves fully.

In many ways, this is how it is with my husband and I. Our friendship since getting married has grown to amazing-level, in large part because we accept each other. We are friends first, and I know he can tell me anything and I will listen without judging, feeling insecure or taking it personally. He does the same for me — listening and accepting me, and I feel so incredibly comfortable. It makes me think that acceptance is an essential ingredient in love — whether friend love or romantic love — and without it, the ugly feelings can creep in.

Of course, to accept another, you must accept yourself. Get over your hangups! 🙂 Love your body as it is, and celebrate its amazingness — there are hundred of chemical reactions going on every minute. Cheezies make you think, and soda pop makes your heart beat. Healthy food makes your muscles, nerves, and blood vessels strong. Whatever shape your body is, it is amazing!

Accept your quirks, too. Everyone has their little obsessions or particular ways of doing things, and yours make you unique and cool. Before conveyor belts and assembly lines were invented, everything made in the world was unique and individual, but in today’s society, we can get a little too interested in conforming — in being like everyone else. We wear clothes that are mass-produced, but make no mistake — you are one-of-a-kind, so feel free to stop applying other people’s standards and ideas to yourself.

Every relationship is one-of-a-kind too. It doesn’t have to fit in a box or be easy to explain. Every friendship is unique and special, and when we take care of ourselves and accept ourselves, we are able to be more present, uplifting and loving.

New Outlook on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. Love. Sweethearts. Lovers. It’s a day to celebrate that person who will buy you chocolate, a diamond, or take you out for a dimly-lit overpriced dinner. Oops, is my skepticism showing? 😉

But what if you’re single? Valentine’s Day can be a very lonely day! But it doesn’t have to be. Being single doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you as a person. Your value does not depend on being in a relationship.

This Valentine’s Day, rather than focusing on romantic couple love, let’s remember and celebrate all the amazing people in our lives! Let’s make February 14 a special day to make sure we don’t forget about all the lovely, caring people in our lives…

  • friends who are like sisters, brothers, and cousins
  • sisters, brothers, and cousins who are amazing friends!
  • friends who would give us the shirt off their back if we needed it
  • friends who would drive for 8 hours to see us
  • friends who call to check on us just to make sure we’re okay
  • friends who support us in our dreams, accept us as we are and laugh at our funny stories
  • friends who are like partners in crime!
  • friends who were there for us when we were mourning, or who visit us in the hospital
  • friends who take us along with them to some tropical place, or music festival, or canoe trip
  • friends who we just can’t wait to see again

There is no need to be lonely on Valentine’s Day, when you are as lucky as I am to have friends like these. Allowing yourself to get down in the dumps because you don’t have “that special someone” is a slap in the face to all the wonderful people you do have! In a way, it’s a profound new level of UNthankfulness, so no wonder it feels so hopeless and full of despair. Might I suggest a radical change in your perspective?

Be grateful for all the amazing people in your life. You are not alone. You never will be! Refuse to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, moping, or feeling desperate to hook up with somebody. You are better than that — that is only one option of how to act on Valentine’s Day. You could instead choose to be fabulously happy, calling or messaging all your best friends to let them know how important they are to you, or making plans to do something you LOVE to do but don’t usually have the time for. This, of all days, is the day to make sure you don’t forget those people who have helped you when you are down, who held you up when you were weak, or who believed in you when you weren’t so sure about yourself. Know that you are an amazing person, full of life and vitality, and that life is full of possibilities.

Nope, there won’t be any moping around this place! My chocolate is happiness and my diamonds are appreciation. I go for joy! Married and dating people, you can appreciate all the wonderful people in your life, too!

(Photo from Patti Digh’s blog)

Create Your Own Universe

The Traveler

I love Star Trek, especially The Next Generation. As I rewatched one of my favourite episodes, ‘Remember Me’ (from the fourth season) I was struck again by the profound truths within that story.

The plot begins with Dr. Crusher being mystified by the sudden disappearances of people on the Enterprise. But they haven’t just gone missing — all proof they ever existed is gone. They were never even born. Soon, even the main crew members disappear, and it’s just her and Piccard left on the whole ship. When he disappears, her focus shifts — she is going to tackle this problem methodically and figure out what is going on. She guides the computer through a logical analysis and gradually, she begins to realize that she is stuck in a universe all her own. People are disappearing because that’s what she was thinking about when she became enveloped by the warp bubble universe (another of Wesley’s experiments gone awry). Luckily, Wesley and Beverley, in their separate universes, somehow call the Traveler from Tau Alpha C. He helps Wesley to open a portal to save his mom, which he can only do if he lets go of the past. The Traveler says:

“It is time. Let it go. Let go of the anticipation, the expectations, the demands upon yourself. Let it all go. Leave it behind. Yes… The ability is there inside of you. You do not need to look for it.” – The Traveler

We create our own reality with our thoughts. It takes shape according to what we think, but unlike the Star Trek episode, we can’t track it back to an exact moment when we had a certain thought, but we can change the direction it is taking at any time by simply thinking about something new. It is no experiment — it is life, and we are living it according to our own self-imposed boundaries, limits, definitions and rules, all of which we can change at any time.

Our universes overlap to the extent that we have things in common with others. For example, my universe doesn’t overlap with Donald Trump’s, that is, I don’t interact with him, because I don’t have much in common with him. However, if I think more abundantly, I will start to meet and interact with more abundant, thriving people (which I do already, just not so much with the ridiculously rich folks). The type of people in my life are an indication of where I’m at with my thoughts and vibration.

So if I am unhappy with someone in my life and I “kick them out,” someone new and similar will come along and take their place if I don’t change the way I think. The people closest to me are an indication of my inner workings. When I abuse myself, so do others. When I take care of myself, those around me treat me better too, and I find I have all sorts of great friends and lovely people around me, even in minor interactions with grocery store clerks. My thoughts and relationship with myself are quite clearly visible, once I realized this is how the world works. I think we all secretly know this, which is why we try to fool others and get so concerned about appearances — we feel like we don’t like ourselves and everybody knows it and it makes us uncomfortable. The solution, of course, is to learn to like ourselves more.

The overall direction in our lives is sort of a sum of our thoughts and feelings. Experiences that are more intense hold more weight, so if you want to be happier, try to recall a time when you were *really* extremely happy. By recalling/re-experiencing that feeling, your life will head in that direction. This is the Law of Attraction in a nutshell, so if you were unfamiliar with it, you’re not any more!

We each create our own universe. We are either moving toward more love or more hate, more compassion or more antagonism, more freedom or more fear. Choosing what way to go is as easy as changing lanes in a wide, multi-lane freeway — think about which way you want to go, wait for a space in the traffic and do it! In this analogy, the “waiting for the space” is just living in the present moment as much as possible and being aware of your thoughts. As you choose the direction and make the lane changes, some of the people in your life may change, and that’s a good thing. There are always more lanes on your left or right — the freeway is infinitely wide — because our growth is never finished. It is all about the journey!

Once more, take the advice of the Traveler:

“It is time. Let it go. Let go of the anticipation, the expectations, the demands upon yourself. Let it all go. Leave it behind. Yes… The ability is there inside of you. You do not need to look for it.” – The Traveler

It is time. Let it go.

Here is a link to the Star Trek episode, if you’re interested! Unfortunately, it doesn’t show the inspirational speech by the Traveler. 🙂

The Truth About Discrimination

Have you ever felt like you were being discriminated against? For whatever reason, you felt like you weren’t being treated fairly… and you may have obsessed over it. It doesn’t matter if you figured out the exact reason, or what type of discrimination was taking place. It doesn’t even matter if the discrimination was intentional or not, real or imagined.

What can you do when you feel like you aren’t being treated the same as everyone else?

Let me tell you the secret to stopping discrimination. It is not about the discriminator — it is all about how you, the victim, thinks and feels about how others treat you.

The absolute best thing you can do is not think about your perceived mistreatment. Whenever you catch yourself thinking about it, you must change your thinking — think about something completely different. Have you ever played a first-person-shooter video game? If you have, think of changing your thinking like when you swing around in the game and run the opposite way.

At times when you feel good and are not obsessing about your discrimination or mistreatment, try telling yourself this:

“I am a fantastic person! I am amazing and wonderful and everyone around me can see that just because. I attract people who treat me properly. I attract people who respect me and see my value.”

When you focus on this, the vibration of discrimination goes away, and the Universe sees you a person who has wonderful, positive interactions with everyone, and that’s all you will have.

You will attract people who respect you and see your value. The Universe takes care of the rest. You don’t need to worry about how or if the disrespectful person/people will change. If they don’t change, they may spontaneously quit or leave your life in some other way. Perhaps you will be the one to move on, or even be fired! It sounds terrible, but at least then, you will be moving on. Chances are, the day you are fired will be the day you find a better job where everyone will respect you and treat you properly. It will happen really fast, once you are clear, because the Universe doesn’t waste time. Once you see yourself as the wonderful, deserving person you are, and you see what types of interactions you want to have with people, the Universe can only respond to this new vibration.

All your interactions on the street, from other drivers to coffee baristas, will be positive when that’s what you see and you cannot see anything else. When you get that clear, it will happen very, very fast. The bully might spontaneously start treating you nice. Or you’ll get that promotion. You won’t have to look for the nice coffee baristas, they will find you. You don’t have to make it happen, it will just all work out. The trick is to focus on the end point — having positive, respectful interactions with everyone — without noticing that you aren’t there yet.

The truth about discrimination is that discriminators don’t go around looking for people to discriminate against; victims attract people who treat them badly. If everyone expected to be treated fairly and with respect, everyone would be. Discrimination would fade into our history, never to be seen again. Now that’s the kind of world I want to live in! Don’t you agree?